Don’t Be a Dick
I’ve seen a lot of dick in my life. Your partner’s beer can stubbie, yep! Your future ex-husband’s just so-so sword, tick! Your Italian stallion lover’s good time gargantuan, oh yeah! Your current flame’s uncut utopia, for sure! And unfortunately, even your ex-boyrfriend’s micro-penis. (You knew that would never work out, right?) Oh my ladies and gents, I could proceed to describe them all for you, but let’s just be honest and say, if it exists, I’ve witnessed it. Now, generally, it’s been a blast, but you have to know, that sometimes people can be real dicks. And I don’t mean that in the ooh la la way!
Pattern available here.
That’s why last week I just had to make this mini-quilt. I’ve had the designs in my sketch book for months, but several factors caused it to jump the quilt queue. First, I saw several Facebook posts about that wack-a-doo Oregon militia group requesting supplies while they are illegally holed up in a wildlife refuge. People sent them supplies all right: all shaped like dicks! There were edible gummy dicks, phallus-shaped candies, and an array of dildos. Oh, and the Cards Against Humanity creator even sent them an industrial-sized drum of lube. Have you ever!? What a wonderful response to this big bag of dickheads. The leader even posted a rebuttal video asking why people wasted their time. Oh, I gots me some time!
Secondly, this incredible conversation that happened over gender politics in quilting. Wowsers! I never knew there was so much investment from so many of you. I rather enjoy an occasional heated debate, so I was happy to host part of it on my blog. After our own frustration venting, Stephanie, Stephanie and I were all about inspiring discourse amongst those who wanted to participate. And then some people went a bit psycho-cray with their commentary, and starting acting like dicks. I was not about to put up with that! Trust that there was plenty of conversation within our Men Who Quilt group, and I unapologetically pulled rank a few times.
So with all that in mind, it was time I made these 18” blocks. (If you need to add more length, by all means, go right ahead! Ow!) I’ve titled it “Don’t Be a Dick,” and first thing Monday morning I’m sending it to that Oregon militia group. It’s double-sided, just in case they wanted to try and use it in reverse for a placemat; there will always be a dick staring back at them. I even signed it in case they want to holler back! Oh, and I made it entirely out of Art Gallery Fabrics, because, you know, feel the difference.
I hope you never have to make one of these for someone you know, but if you do, there could be a pattern lingering. 😉
Linking up with TGIFF and Crazy Mom Quilts.
I do not understand all you wrote about the Oregon militia group and sending dicks, but that mini is so fun!! I love it.
Oh Molli, you’re a card!
Tellin’ it like it is.
Don’t stop.
Brilliant, and now I have a single reason to envy those idiots camping out here in Oregon.
When the photo of this quilt loaded I about choked on my coffee. You never cease to make me LOL Molli. My coworker just leaned over my shoulder and asked, “Um, is that a penis?” This totally made my day. 🙂
Genius!
Very funny -Liker Maureen when I saw the photo I though oh oh and then read through and ended laughing – wonder what they’ll make of it?
I see that you were so far into the design process that my suggestions fell on deaf ears. Gotta love a quilt that would make one’s granny (well, at least my 93 year old granny) blush. How’s that for modern for ya?!
Was going to ask, but was it rocket science but thought enough with the double speak
You are incredible. So happy that the quilt world is blessed with you! Yes please, a pattern! I know some dicks I could send one too also!
I love you, Molli! This made my day. We’ve got a lot dicks over on this side of the globe who could use a good slap on the face with a rubber dildo. Thanks for throwing in your “oar”.
Lol!!! When I first read the ping back in the comment area of my blog ,I thought ” what did I do to him??”- then saw your link- up…..too funny!!! Keep calling it as you see it! ….now that’s “modern” ! Lol
Molli, you are fantastic! I hope not to have to make such a statement but now I know where to go for inspiration should the occasion arise (wink).
Molli, this is hilarious!
….and have you sent one to your Prime Minister?
I hadn’t heard about the don’t be a dick response to those knuckleheads in Oregon. Thanks for the update!
You are hilarious! Word to the wise…don’t fuck with Molli! I think your mini says it all!
We in Oregon thank you! I’m going to send them tampons 🙂
Please let there be a pattern. Please let there be a pattern. PLEASE LET THERE BE A PATTERN!
Most excellent, Molli! I somehow missed that bit about them being sent penis supplies – how hilarious! Thank you for supporting their right to be dicks with your own useful quilty statement : )
My husband is among the law enforcement working at that “event” in Oregon, so let me just say THANK YOU! I hate to think you’re wasting this on them, but on the other hand I’d love to see the face of whoever opens it. 😉
This made me laugh! I have to tell you that my son started the online company DicksByMail.com last year as a joke and was more than a little surprised when it went viral and he woke up one morning with a couple of thousand orders to fill. He sold the company less than a month after he started it but it was a pleasure to see that the company is still going and that the Oregon militia group were recipients of the gummy candy dicks with the directions to “Eat a bag of dicks”! Makes a mother proud! 😳
And I thought my adult kids made up that expression. Doh. I’d be proud, too. My husb said, “oh, someone is f***ing with the poor yee-hawdists.””
This quilt made my day. We are stuck inside due to a snow storm and when I saw this posting I couldn’t stop laughing. Please let there be a pattern.
You slay me! I hope you do make a pattern, so we can all gift the dicks in our lives. I can see it as a bachelorette party present as well.
Frankly, I think you ought to make this into a greeting card with the message clearly spelled out inside the card. I can think of a lot of times I’d like to send them to people who aren’t worth spending the time or money to make a mini-quilt for.
I’d buy the first box!
And maybe it should be an e-card also!!!
feel the difference!! HAHAHAHAHA!! I will never read that the same way again.
This made me laugh SO hard!!! The quilt and your narrative. Love it.
Hahahaha you are wonderful. Yeah, it’s too good for those knuckleheads, but what a message!
Fan-bloody-tastic.
Hilarious! Something I did not know I needed as a thing, until there you go ,you did that. Brilliant!
Feel the difference (crying laughing)
Awesome!! I needed a good laugh. Would love to see the reaction when the militia receives it.
It looks like an ice-cream. I could so lick it!
Perfection!!!!!
Molli you naughty boy 😉 very good😊
LOL! Molli, you kill me! (In a good way.) Love it!
I would love a pattern Molli. And it’s awesome, I love the idea of a don’t be a dick quilt.
As always when I read your blog posts I’m LMAO. I swear that if you ever decide to give up your day job you could do quite well as a stand up comedian. Have a great weekend!!
Molli, you are the best! I totally enjoy your political type of spin with quilting. You are right, many people are dicks, like that group in Oregon. You’ve got “balls” and I wish I had the “balls” to take on a topic like this. Plus, anatomically correct!
I have to clarify that those nut job militants are here in Oregon but they are not Oregonians! Your quilt is perfect and I love that you are sending it to them. Here is something you might enjoy- its been good for a laugh and to help pass the time waiting for someone to actually do something about these jerks.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/oregon-militia-erotic-fan-fiction-colin-meloy_us_568e9519e4b0c8beacf5f6c8
you’re my new hero! throws glitter!
So way back when, I think when you asked Mr Sparkles to marry you and at the same time were talking here about your dickhead Prime Minister (is he gone now? I feel like I read that, but in one ear, out the other…) I had thought to myself that what you really needed was somebody to make and send him a Don’t Be A Dick pillow with a nice big dick on it, but that was a thought that was in one ear and out the other, so to speak. Anyway, it’s awesome that you did that 😀
(Also, I think someone should probably come up with a Don’t Be a Twat pattern as well, but that doesn’t seem quite as easy to render in fabric.)
Add me to the pattern buyers list for this one!!!
Oh Molli- as I sit reading your blog with my G&t (ok well 5th, in hand), never participating, just watching from the sidelines… Owwwww!! I’ve heard of “eat a bag of ducks” (no pretext i mean DICKS, always have, always will), now we can go MAKE a bag of dicks! Well done champ. Many champagnes in salute to you for what you bring to the world. Love your work. Xx
Best. Mini. Ever.
Period.
Is it my challenge to make one for the ladies?! Oooh, I know I could, I know I could! Right back acha!
Hi Molli, sorry to bother you, but the need for the Don’t be a dick quilt has become quite urgent. I want to send one to every dick in the Federal parliament that is smugly asserting that they will not support a plebiscite and will still vote against same sex marriage. We need to shame them. Looking forward to the pattern.
A hahahaha. Ahahah. Can’t stop laughing. Thank you for this
Please please make a pattern please.
Just letting you know how thrilled this American quilter is to have access to this avenue of communication. I believe I will be sending one off. And since you are the expert: do men with small hands also have small dicks (can’t believe this 54 tr old woman is typing that). And if you have a small one I am assuming you can still act like a big one. Anyway I am off to find the White House’s address and pull some fabric.