Quilt Finish – Don’t Be a Dick

Oh the drama of it all! The quilt that launched a thousand dicks. It was this time last January when I first debuted my Don’t Be a Dick mini quilt amidst the tragedy that was the occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. That mini-quilt was also a response to the spirited conversation surrounding the influence of gender in quilting that was held on my blog a few weeks prior to that. Then I went and released the pattern for my dick on Craftsy, and everything was peachy. That was until some peeps complained that my cartoon penis was pornographic and offensive. Oh the things my sassy-pants mouth said behind the scenes! Girl, it would have made your momma blush! But I kept it mostly civil, and played along with Craftsy when they asked me to censor the cover page of my pattern release. Then finally, finally, everyone was happy (the trolls are never happy) and my pattern has since been getting all gigolo with it for a measly $4.00 USD on Craftsy.com. (Plug. Plug. Plug.) See? The drama from one mini-quilt! Shish kebabs!

I hope now that the world has gone through this whole Donald Trump debacle, that the haters can see why we desperately need a Don’t Be a Dick quilt! Which brings me kind of full circle here, because I’ve spent the past year using my own pattern to make an extra-large Don’t Be a Dick quilt. (Trump: if you’re feeling chilly…) This quilt has meant a lot to me personally because never in my life have I got to play with so many, umm … beautiful fabrics! All of the dicks in this quilt were created using Jennifer Sampou’s Shimmer 1 & 2 fabric ranges. I’ve used these previously in several quilts, but I think they really found their true calling here! The back is constructed entirely from the Shimmer 2 piece called Diamonds in Frost. Jennifer, you had me at D!

There are only two subtle things about this quilt. The first is my glitter-flecked-binding (GFB) which I include as a trademark in all my quilts. You see those two little hash marks, made from the same Shimmer Netting fabric as the binding? Yeah, that’s my signature label. Okay, and subtle thing number two: the scrappy, white-on-white background which I call “white noise.” There are about thirty different white-on-white fabrics represented, with all the various pattern shapes cut from each so that they were dispersed around the quilt randomly, yet evenly. This flimsy picture below shows their detail much better than in the finished quilt. However, I absolutely adore how they become this patchwork of multi-coloured white now that it has been quilted!

Oh the quilting! This is by far the most adventurous quilting I’ve completed on a quilt myself. I had originally planned for this to be long armed, and then realised I didn’t want anyone else touching my dick (wash yo hands!) so I knew I had to do it myself. Now, all jokes aside, the ultimate quilting goal was to reference that most famous of condom lines, “Ribbed for her pleasure.” Ladies, seriously? Did any of you ever buy that marketing ploy for a hot minute? And dudes, if you need a thin sheet of crinkled latex to make the pleasure go pop, we need to have a bigger discussion! Anyway, the quilting! I seriously wanted to create ribs of directional lines in every which way that literally make you want to reach out and stroke the quilt. <<side eye>> Yes, yes I did just say that.

It’s all pretty organic, with the lines eye-balled at about a quarter to a half inch apart. I’d use an occasional piece of blue tape to create boundary lines, but other than that I was just free-ballin’ it! I’ve currently only quilted the background area, and I’m still considering going back in with some additional quilting for the dicks in coordinating threads. Maybe just some internal, outline quilting to give them some more prominence and stability. Regardless, I’m super stoked about the quilting (finished or not) because it grew into exactly what I wanted, and has given me more confidence to realise my own abilities. But the time, the time, y’all. Sometimes I’ve just got more exciting things to do!

I felt it really important that all dicks be represented in my quilt, so that’s why there’s an equal distribution of circumcised and uncircumcised penises (which you’ll also find in the pattern). You’ll also notice there’s all colours of the metallic rainbow to represent the caucasian sausage, BBC, blue balls, elderly bobs, Eskimo willies, Sporty Spice, Asian dick … I think you get the point. The one caveat of my pattern: it currently only comes in one size, so there’s no punch line to be made about the size of anyone’s manhood. Each quilt block is eighteen inches tall, with the dick itself being about twelve inches. Everyone is standing to full attention in this regard!

And that folks, is that. It’s been an exciting adventure seeing this quilt go from innocent sketch, to mini quilt, to controversial pattern, to now a full 51″ x 75″ quilt that I can wrap around me anytime I’m feeling cold, lonely, or horny! So many options, such little time! I realise this quilt will not be to everyone’s taste, and I hear some of you already scoffing, “What taste?!” That’s completely understandable, and to that, I’ll say again: “You don’t have to like all of the things to like some of the things.” At the very least, I hope this quilt (and post) gives you a giggle and even a small clutch your pearls moment. (Molli didn’t! Oh, he did!) We all need a bit of shock and awe to know we’re alive! Ultimately, this quilt captures all the attributes I strive to achieve as a person and a quilter, and if I’m doing that, I’m doing me. I’ll absolutely take it, Z-to-the-mother-effin-snap!

In case you’re still needing some … here’s the pattern link once again!

Don’t Be a Dick Pattern

23 Responses

  1. Honestly, think this is rather splendid and well done for tackling more quilting than you normally would. I have to admit that I have all kinds of funky ideas for quilting of the dicks – they do seem to need some stabilization help. You want those to stay fresh and at attention! 🙂

  2. floribunda says:

    how is it that I only found your blog a couple of weeks ago — and thankfully just in time to read this wonderful post!

  3. Shauna says:

    Ok this is just too much fun, the quilting is awesome, and just perfect. It takes someone special to make a quilt like this and you are definitely special!!!! It didn’t make me clutch my pearls, but it did make me laugh. Great job!!!!!!

  4. Linda says:

    Oh, Mollie, I just purchased your Dick, er, I mean pattern, and I can’t wait to fondle it! I love your naughtiness, and this is the best one of all. Ignore the uptight right wing pearl-grabbers! You’re the best! xoxo


  5. Christina in FL says:

    Rock on with your Sparkliciousness! 🙂 With all your earnestness, you KNOW I had to buy your pattern. 🙂

  6. Mary Ann says:

    Loving all the Dicks…well at least your Quilts and my hubbies! The quilting is wonderful and yes I do want to reach out and fondle it!

  7. Rosie says:

    Oh Molli, you’re a card! Love your post. Maybe you could hand-quilt the dicks. And do NOT, under any circumstances, allow me to continue here as we all know the puns would only get right out of hand.
    Oops. There we go already.

  8. Cleta says:

    Mollie,Love your dick quilt and your sense of humor Made me laugh after being so anxious dreading January 20. Blessings

  9. I think I’ve found another Sister from another Mister like seriously…. I cannot love this post anymore I swear. Great make and hella mutual feelings….Sew on Sew Sista, sew on….sew all the dicks! LOL

  10. CONTROVERSY IN THE WORLD OF QUILTING!!! Seriously I love your bunch of dicks (or do we say bushel of dicks? Sorry english is not my first language. ) I have the naughty need to create a quilt that would make granny blush but I didn’t find the right inspiration yet.

  11. Janelle says:

    I can’t believe I’ve seen so many dick quilts that my first thought was about how pretty and perfect that fabric line was for penises. Molli, you add so much to my life!
    And some of these comments are also giving me life! I’ll have to come back in a few days to read more!

  12. Tina short says:

    Husby has just said ” I like it, we need another quilt for our bed. why dont you make it”
    Thats my man, supportive and honest !

  13. Andrea says:

    This is awesome. Being a nurse, I’ve seen more dicks in real life than probably the raunchiest of nymphos. I think a wonky version would be fabulous, because lets face…no 2 dicks are ever quite the same.

  14. Carole M says:

    I think that’s just so fantastic on so many levels. And honestly if people can make quilts with boobs, why not dicks? I’m glad Craftsy never made you fully pull the pattern. Has it sold well?

  15. Anita says:

    Well! This is awesome! I love it and I enjoyed all the jokes and puns in your blog post (or article as I was calling it… I told my husband “I am busy reading an article.” LOL!) I will keep your pattern in mind if I ever need to sew a dick. 🙂

  16. well I guess I’m a prude. I didn’t think this was tasteful at all. and for that reason I’m unsubscribing there are plenty of beautiful patterns to choose from. don’t think we need to see ore than one dick on the bed.

  17. Serena @ Sewgiving says:

    So happy to see this quilt in all its glory!

  18. Tish says:

    I know all that quilting must have taken forever, but, man oh man, did it pay off! I can’t even imagine something different in the background, it adds a wonderful texture and let’s those beautiful bad boys shine! Just curious, did you free motion those lines or walking foot it? I’m always torn which to use when I’m adding straight (straight-ish) lines.

  19. francesca says:

    Omg . Thank you for existing. I was so down today and you gave me the best chortle I’ve had in a long time…. I very rarely click on the links in my blogloving mail and am not a quilter but had to click on this:). You’re a star.

  20. Judy Cinerari says:

    Love it, love it, love it.

  21. Lyn Sandberg says:

    I also came up with Don’t be a Dick bumper sticker last September for a 3day annual yardsale, sold every one! It originated with a dog command for a rowdy Boston terrier, but it has resounded with multiple meaning since trump and his reign of terror

  1. September 7, 2017

    […] 08 January, 2017 – Quilt Finish – Don’t Be a Dick […]

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