Quilt Finish – Zach Is Dead

Today’s post isn’t going to be very eloquent, y’all. I’ve been trying to get it out of me for over a year now, and it simply won’t come. So today I’ll do my best, and let the quilt do most of the talking. Many might remember that my younger brother, Zach, died in a car crash in January 2019. He left behind a vacancy in my family’s hearts. It was the first death I had experienced in my immediate family, and the emotions that came took me off guard. As soon as my youngest brother, Cody had told me through a shattered voice, from a phone call around the world, that “Zach is dead,” it changed me. It was like suddenly the bricks of the life you build become vulnerable–they disappear, fall apart, get knocked asunder. A big swathe of your life, as it intersects with another, simply ceases to exist.

As my family cleaned out his house, they found his stash of handkerchiefs / head scarves. I guess fabric stashing runs in the family! Cody reached out to me and asked if he could send them to me to make something. When they arrived they were crumpled, as if they had been recently worn and stuffed back into a drawer. It was the closest I had been to Zach in years, and I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d be able to proceed. They sat untouched for a few weeks, as I decided on how best to use them without wasting a thread. But also, I had to find my own inner strength to cut into the last remnants I had of my brother. This wasn’t just a memory quilt, but a memorial quilt.

What a ridiculous colour story. What an odd-ball, haphazard, fucked-up collection of fabrics. Some stretched thin, some with holes, most with stains of overuse. And somehow, I had in my stash multiple yards of a mottled, dyed fabric that seemed to contain similar hues and tones to compliment them all. Not sure why I ever bought it–nor so much of it–except for the premonition of this quilt, as it was exactly what I needed. As I assembled pieces, the composition clearly became about Zach being suddenly ripped from our lives, a large tear in what should be the continuation of the bricks of his life. In that moment of creation, still mourning, it was the loudest story I could tell. While I feel this quilt still celebrates him (that Joker left intentionally intact), it also represents the heartache and confusion that comes with a loss such as this.

Once complete, I sent it back to my family. It would be too much for me to keep, and I can imagine it could even be hard for them to use. Most of the time we make quilts because we want to, but this was a cathartic case of I had to.

Title: Zach Is Dead
Size: 70″ x 100″
Pattern: Molli Sparkles design using 4″ x 10″ rectangles
Fabric: Various handkerchiefs worn by my brother Zachery Helms, combined with unknown fabric
Piecing: Machine stitched on Juki TL-98P with Aurifil 50wt, 2692 Black
Quilting: Long arm quilting by Leanne Harvey of Mount Vincent Quilts
Binding: Hand stitched with Aurifil 50wt, 2692 Black
Backing: Unknown fabric from stash
Timing: January 2020 – June 2020
Favourite Part: Describing my loss through quilting.