Quilt Finish – Don’t Dick Around

Ahem. If you’re already clutching your pearls, you may be in the wrong place. I was told recently by a quilter that I’m quite well known for making dick quilts. To be fair, this is only my third dick quilt! Now I know, I know–only–but how many quilts with stars on them have you made? Mmm-hmm. You like stars, I like dicks. Meh, what’s the diff? They’re both pointy, necessary for life, and when you get them hot enough they explode. So with all of that, I thought I better cement myself in the quilt world as a bonafide maker of dick quilts.

I actually designed this quilt after my last dick quilt, Don’t Be a Dick (pattern available here) was rejected from QuiltCon. I didn’t really hold it against them too much, but I began thinking about how a dick quilt might be created through the modern quilt lens defined by the Modern Quilt Guild. You know: bold colours, solid fabrics, exaggerated shapes, design over function, grid quilting, blah blah blah. I fully realise I’m generalising the MQG’s definition of a modern quilt, but this my story, so I’ll do what I like! ::wink::wink::

So that journey first led me to designing this graphic. I just kept thinking about how I could simplify the dick down to its barest of essentials. Three shapes: tear drop, rectangle, half circle. I also liked this idea of getting two dicks in the same quilt block; almost like getting two for one! I mean, if you’re feeling frisky, get it get it! It also reminded me of that game you play when — wait, maybe best to leave that one to the imagination!

From there I started creating test block after test block after test block. I literally made a dozen or so balls to get to this size. How do you really decide how big balls should be on an 18″ dick? Are they proportional, or just standard size!? These are questions the world needs answered, and I am here to help! You’ll see I also threw in a circumcision scar, which ultimately I thought was a bit too thin, but maybe that’s just from my own experience. Also, dicks made out of ditzy florals are super funny to me!

Well, this is where I ended up with the final design. Still only the two colours, the dick got a bit bigger (because, yeah, men) and the scar got a bit wider. Pretty true to the original design, and both dicks fit together as snug as a bug in a rug. Or two bugs, rather. I also chose the final colours for their high contrast, and their stake in the highly ridiculous practice of gender colour-coding. e.g. Blue doesn’t belong to boys and pink doesn’t belong to girls, so stop that nonsense!

Anywho, before I quilted it, I wanted to make those penises pop just a bit more. Because if you’re like me, when there’s a dick on a quilt, you’re gonna wanna touch it! And here we are with two, so obviously I had to take matters into my own hands. You’ve heard of a fluffer? (If not, be careful looking that one up on the Googles because your results might not be safe for work!) If you’re down with the lingo, well, that’s exactly what we’re talking about here. A little extra wadding from the backside and Bob’s your uncle.

I quilted this quilt! I’m clutching my own pearls now! This is the first quilt I’ve sat down and quilted myself in such a looong time–sometimes you gotta take care of your own needs! My dicks are sensitive, and I really felt like they needed a man’s touch. So up and down I went, an inch here, another inch, another slightly thicker inch, until I turned it flipped it and reversed it, and did it again! I needed a smoke after all that quilting.

I used Art Gallery Fabrics Pure Elements solid in Apricot Crepe for the backing and my glitter flecked binding detail. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Art Gallery Fabrics, after a few strokes you really can feel the difference. This quilt is giving me so much life and use already! I put it to use on my last hotel stay, because I thought the prescribed Do Not Disturb sign was a bit too middle of the road. Well, I’ll tell you what, not a single person disturbed me at all!

I’ve decided to enter this quilt into a local, naughty art show, so it may get some more life. I’ll keep you updated about that one. Hopefully, sometime this quarter I’ll also be able to create a pattern, because I just know you’re gonna wanna get your hands all the way around it! Don’t Dick Around indeed, time to get to it!

Title: Don’t Dick Around
Size: 29″ x 43″
Pattern: Molli Sparkles, Don’t Dick Around
Fabric: Art Gallery Pure Elements and Kona solids 
Piecing: Machine stitched on Juki TL-98P with Aurifil 50wt, 2024 White
Quilting: Grid quilting on Juki TL-98P with Aurifil 40wt, 2810 Turquoise; minor embellishment quilting on balls and dicks with Aurifil 40wt, 2530 Blossom Pink and 2420 Blush
Binding: hand stitched with Aurifil 40wt, 2530 Blossom Pink
Backing: Art Gallery Pure Elements solid in Apricot Crepe
Timing: June 2019 – October 2020
Favourite Part: It’s another dick quilt in my repertoire.