I Am Not Okay.
And that’s okay. It takes a lot to say that right now, a bit more to write it down. I feel beat up and pushed around—like those faggy days at school. I’m broken and taped back together sans some pieces that stop the tears from leaking. Ready to take on the weight of the world, and at the same time I am crushed by it. “I keep on smiling,” even as fragile and contrary as it seems. I care less about those seams as I struggle to sew them back together. It’s all “pleases” and “thank-yous” without any of the sincerity.
So bags are packed-full for a futile journey to the edge of nowhere. And I’m left excusing myself for my behaviour, my fights, my faults, my god-damn fuck-ups, for failing to ever recognise hers. Haunted for not believing in ghosts, while I push my own self-destruct button. Simultaneously some cancerous cells attack his manhood and I don’t have the knife skills to expunge them. Suddenly, I’m a Superman saving no one and I see through it all. The dappled sun shines a spotlight on every unforced error, direct detour, and divine calling I refuse to believe exists. Thoughts and prayers, indeed.
Get it out, get it all out: these finer feelings forcing instances of ineptitude. Get the fuck outta here. Your emojis do nothing to cure my silence. Let me say these things so I can stop feeling them through and through from my soul to the surface of my imperfect skin. No, I am not okay. I am nowhere near strong enough to be okay with all of this. And that has to be okay, as I say “I’m fine,” and take another step forward.
“I’m fine” hides so many pains. I sincerely hope that there is some peace coming your way.
I don’t think anyone’s alright at the moment. Some days /hours/ minutes are better than others. It’s healthier to acknowledge tough feelings; it’s harder than staying ‘chipper’. Well done for putting it out there. This time will pass, we’ll get used to our new normal. We are blessed with a craft and skill that we can turn to when we’re able and ready to do so. In the meantime, I’ve heard, it can be very therapeutic to stroke fabric! (exclamation mark…. but definitely NO emoji)
Do what it takes to get through the day. We’re here. We’ll listen.
It’s ok. It’s NOT ok.
To be fragile, hurt, scared shitless, paralysed by fear, running around making bad choices, you are all just dealing with shit. There is no best way to deal with shit. At the moment the illusion of control has slipped, illness makes it clear we are vulnerable. Those we love, we could lose. That rocks to the core.
I look at photos and think is this going to be one of the last she is smiling in? When is our luck going to end? But I dry my tears, I suck it up and get through the day, because what is the alternative? I open a big bottle and check out? I wouldn’t be able to live with me if I did that. I get up early and cry.
Ask for help. It’s ok to lean on someone. Just keep talking.
There is strength in vulnerability. Fuck I sound like a self help twat 😂
I think all of us reading this can relate… but I know I personally don’t have the strength to say it out loud…
Thank you for sharing your honesty. You can do it. Don’t give up. Sending love.
No emojis. This has to be awful. Try not to hate yourself when you mess up. You are human and we want to support you.
Baring your sole…may you find grace, peace and inner strength.
I describe this as having no more skin left to shield me from the next thing that happens and then I start to watch for the thread of beauty, the piece of a song that will make me dance and I lean so far into it that the skin starts to heal and I can feel my soul wrap around itself and be stronger on the inside and then I can do it all again until the next time. I hope that you will feel that thread sometime soon. in the meantime, life, even wonderful lives, can still suck
Thank you. Your honesty gives me permission to be honest and cranky and sick of this whole shit show.
I am sorry.
Yes, of course it is OK. But, having said that, I’d rather see it differently.
Molli,
I am so sorry. You are in my every thought and prayer.
-Jean
❤️
Molly,
I love you.
Molly,
I love you.
I can only acknowledge your pain and anguish. Vanquishing them I cannot. Old demons and hurts become new demons and torment us with with what if’s and maybe if I’d chosen differently’s. No platitudes or buck-ups from me. It hurts. Cry
We are here for you. I think our emotions and perspectives on life are amplified right now, during this crazy pandemic time. It’s like everything is happening under a microscope and feels like an insect crawling in our veins. Not to diminish your feelings or securities. We are all reacting and processing events in ways we never had to before. Blessings and strength be with you. Lean on those who know you and love you.
I’ve been there. It’s all-consuming hopelessness and helplessness. I’ve wanted to scream at people for carrying on with their normal lives when I was living in panic and fear. I lived through it. Saw it to it’s inevitable outcome. I don’t know that I’m stronger or wiser, but I survived. You will, too. Sometimes life isn’t pretty or fair. It’s OK to not be OK. Sometimes you have to dwell there, sometimes it’s so raw and painful that you can’t see your way out. But, you will. You will find your strength, your sparkle. It’s what those loved ones need and depend on, and it is what you can do and give.
The suckage right now is amazing. I’ve heard of New York City restaurants closing not because they can’t adapt to take-out, but because there’s no one to feed. We must put on our feathers and tiaras at home and vow to wear them in public again as soon as the starts are right.
I love you.
It’s okay not to be okay, it’s not okay for those close to you to hear your cry for help. We are listening gorgeous but perhaps this is not for our ears. Much love to you and A from the safety of my island. And when it gets too much, throw some fucking glitter on it. That’ll teach ‘it’, what ever ‘it’ is… that shit sticks like glue. xx
I felt every word of that, Molli.
At the moment if all we can do each day is take one more step, then that’s enough xoxo
I think 2020 is stripping the veneer off civilization, one individual at a time. We are finding out who we really are and who those around us really are…the good, the bad and the ugly. 2020 is the new 4-letter word. Adjusting to all of this is difficult. I hope you can find joy in life again.
I needed to read not only your post but the comments left in response. Whatever happens do not let your voice go silent. Sound your barbaric “Yawp!” out into the world if that’s all you can manage, but let it out!
I have to say…this beautifully written “piece” has stuck with me…I initially sent a comment…but have found myself thinking about it ever since… It is so darn easy to say “I’m just fine…all’s good…”…when I don’t think it truly is for anyone… It’s the entire unknown of this whole darn mess…and the ineptitude with how things have been handled… I find it’s the last thing I think about as I go to sleep each day…and the first thing I think about each morning…But I have to say it has all made me be more grateful…grateful for family and friends…and grateful for my passion with quilting… It’s those things that get us through each day…I just hope all of us truly appreciate “normal”…whenever that might happen…
I hear you.