Quilt Finish – Don’t Be a Dick

Oh the drama of it all! The quilt that launched a thousand dicks. It was this time last January when I first debuted my Don’t Be a Dick mini quilt amidst the tragedy that was the occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. That mini-quilt was also a response to the spirited conversation surrounding the influence of gender in quilting that was held on my blog a few weeks prior to that. Then I went and released the pattern for my dick on Craftsy, and everything was peachy. That was until some peeps complained that my cartoon penis was pornographic and offensive. Oh the things my sassy-pants mouth said behind the scenes! Girl, it would have made your momma blush! But I kept it mostly civil, and played along with Craftsy when they asked me to censor the cover page of my pattern release. Then finally, finally, everyone was happy (the trolls are never happy) and my pattern has since been getting all gigolo with it for a measly $4.00 USD on Craftsy.com. (Plug. Plug. Plug.) See? The drama from one mini-quilt! Shish kebabs!

I hope now that the world has gone through this whole Donald Trump debacle, that the haters can see why we desperately need a Don’t Be a Dick quilt! Which brings me kind of full circle here, because I’ve spent the past year using my own pattern to make an extra-large Don’t Be a Dick quilt. (Trump: if you’re feeling chilly…) This quilt has meant a lot to me personally because never in my life have I got to play with so many, umm … beautiful fabrics! All of the dicks in this quilt were created using Jennifer Sampou’s Shimmer 1 & 2 fabric ranges. I’ve used these previously in several quilts, but I think they really found their true calling here! The back is constructed entirely from the Shimmer 2 piece called Diamonds in Frost. Jennifer, you had me at D!

There are only two subtle things about this quilt. The first is my glitter-flecked-binding (GFB) which I include as a trademark in all my quilts. You see those two little hash marks, made from the same Shimmer Netting fabric as the binding? Yeah, that’s my signature label. Okay, and subtle thing number two: the scrappy, white-on-white background which I call “white noise.” There are about thirty different white-on-white fabrics represented, with all the various pattern shapes cut from each so that they were dispersed around the quilt randomly, yet evenly. This flimsy picture below shows their detail much better than in the finished quilt. However, I absolutely adore how they become this patchwork of multi-coloured white now that it has been quilted!

Oh the quilting! This is by far the most adventurous quilting I’ve completed on a quilt myself. I had originally planned for this to be long armed, and then realised I didn’t want anyone else touching my dick (wash yo hands!) so I knew I had to do it myself. Now, all jokes aside, the ultimate quilting goal was to reference that most famous of condom lines, “Ribbed for her pleasure.” Ladies, seriously? Did any of you ever buy that marketing ploy for a hot minute? And dudes, if you need a thin sheet of crinkled latex to make the pleasure go pop, we need to have a bigger discussion! Anyway, the quilting! I seriously wanted to create ribs of directional lines in every which way that literally make you want to reach out and stroke the quilt. <<side eye>> Yes, yes I did just say that.

It’s all pretty organic, with the lines eye-balled at about a quarter to a half inch apart. I’d use an occasional piece of blue tape to create boundary lines, but other than that I was just free-ballin’ it! I’ve currently only quilted the background area, and I’m still considering going back in with some additional quilting for the dicks in coordinating threads. Maybe just some internal, outline quilting to give them some more prominence and stability. Regardless, I’m super stoked about the quilting (finished or not) because it grew into exactly what I wanted, and has given me more confidence to realise my own abilities. But the time, the time, y’all. Sometimes I’ve just got more exciting things to do!

I felt it really important that all dicks be represented in my quilt, so that’s why there’s an equal distribution of circumcised and uncircumcised penises (which you’ll also find in the pattern). You’ll also notice there’s all colours of the metallic rainbow to represent the caucasian sausage, BBC, blue balls, elderly bobs, Eskimo willies, Sporty Spice, Asian dick … I think you get the point. The one caveat of my pattern: it currently only comes in one size, so there’s no punch line to be made about the size of anyone’s manhood. Each quilt block is eighteen inches tall, with the dick itself being about twelve inches. Everyone is standing to full attention in this regard!

And that folks, is that. It’s been an exciting adventure seeing this quilt go from innocent sketch, to mini quilt, to controversial pattern, to now a full 51″ x 75″ quilt that I can wrap around me anytime I’m feeling cold, lonely, or horny! So many options, such little time! I realise this quilt will not be to everyone’s taste, and I hear some of you already scoffing, “What taste?!” That’s completely understandable, and to that, I’ll say again: “You don’t have to like all of the things to like some of the things.” At the very least, I hope this quilt (and post) gives you a giggle and even a small clutch your pearls moment. (Molli didn’t! Oh, he did!) We all need a bit of shock and awe to know we’re alive! Ultimately, this quilt captures all the attributes I strive to achieve as a person and a quilter, and if I’m doing that, I’m doing me. I’ll absolutely take it, Z-to-the-mother-effin-snap!

In case you’re still needing some … here’s the pattern link once again!

Don’t Be a Dick Pattern

— updated to link to Shopify store —