TGIFF – Don’t Be a Dick

I’ve seen a lot of dick in my life. Your partner’s beer can stubbie, yep! Your future ex-husband’s just so-so sword, tick! Your Italian stallion lover’s good time gargantuan, oh yeah! Your current flame’s uncut utopia, for sure! And unfortunately, even your ex-boyrfriend’s micro-penis. (You knew that would never work out, right?) Oh my ladies and gents, I could proceed to describe them all for you, but let’s just be honest and say, if it exists, I’ve witnessed it. Now, generally, it’s been a blast, but you have to know, that sometimes people can be real dicksAnd I don’t mean that in the ooh la la way!

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That’s why last week I just had to make this mini-quilt. I’ve had the designs in my sketch book for months, but several factors caused it to jump the quilt queue. First, I saw several Facebook posts about that wack-a-doo Oregon militia group requesting supplies while they are illegally holed up in a wildlife refuge. People sent them supplies all right: all shaped like dicks! There were edible gummy dicks, phallus-shaped candies, and an array of dildos. Oh, and the Cards Against Humanity creator even sent them an industrial-sized drum of lube. Have you ever!? What a wonderful response to this big bag of dickheads. The leader even posted a rebuttal video asking why people wasted their time. Oh, I gots me some time!
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Secondly, this incredible conversation that happened over gender politics in quilting. Wowsers! I never knew there was so much investment from so many of you. I rather enjoy an occasional heated debate, so I was happy to host part of it on my blog. After our own frustration venting, Stephanie, Stephanie and I were all about inspiring discourse amongst those who wanted to participate. And then some people went a bit psycho-cray with their commentary, and starting acting like dicks. I was not about to put up with that! Trust that there was plenty of conversation within our Men Who Quilt group, and I unapologetically pulled rank a few times.

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So with all that in mind, it was time I made these 18” blocks. (If you need to add more length, by all means, go right ahead! Ow!) I’ve titled it “Don’t Be a Dick,” and first thing Monday morning I’m sending it to that Oregon militia group. It’s double-sided, just in case they wanted to try and use it in reverse for a placemat; there will always be a dick staring back at them. I even signed it in case they want to holler back! Oh, and I made it entirely out of Art Gallery Fabrics, because, you know, feel the difference. 

I hope you never have to make one of these for someone you know, but if you do, there could be a pattern lingering. 😉

Linking up with TGIFF and Crazy Mom Quilts.

54 Responses

  1. I do not understand all you wrote about the Oregon militia group and sending dicks, but that mini is so fun!! I love it.

  2. Rosie says:

    Oh Molli, you’re a card!
    Tellin’ it like it is.
    Don’t stop.

  3. Brilliant, and now I have a single reason to envy those idiots camping out here in Oregon.

  4. Maureen says:

    When the photo of this quilt loaded I about choked on my coffee. You never cease to make me LOL Molli. My coworker just leaned over my shoulder and asked, “Um, is that a penis?” This totally made my day. 🙂

  5. Ruth says:

    Very funny -Liker Maureen when I saw the photo I though oh oh and then read through and ended laughing – wonder what they’ll make of it?

  6. I see that you were so far into the design process that my suggestions fell on deaf ears. Gotta love a quilt that would make one’s granny (well, at least my 93 year old granny) blush. How’s that for modern for ya?!

  7. helen says:

    Was going to ask, but was it rocket science but thought enough with the double speak

  8. Leandra Zombiequilter says:

    You are incredible. So happy that the quilt world is blessed with you! Yes please, a pattern! I know some dicks I could send one too also!

  9. Sarah says:

    I love you, Molli! This made my day. We’ve got a lot dicks over on this side of the globe who could use a good slap on the face with a rubber dildo. Thanks for throwing in your “oar”.

  10. Debbie says:

    Lol!!! When I first read the ping back in the comment area of my blog ,I thought ” what did I do to him??”- then saw your link- up…..too funny!!! Keep calling it as you see it! ….now that’s “modern” ! Lol

  11. Denise says:

    Molli, you are fantastic! I hope not to have to make such a statement but now I know where to go for inspiration should the occasion arise (wink).

  12. Molli, this is hilarious!

  13. Lisa says:

    ….and have you sent one to your Prime Minister?

    I hadn’t heard about the don’t be a dick response to those knuckleheads in Oregon. Thanks for the update!

  14. Jayne says:

    You are hilarious! Word to the wise…don’t fuck with Molli! I think your mini says it all!

  15. Diana says:

    We in Oregon thank you! I’m going to send them tampons 🙂

  16. Shannon says:

    Please let there be a pattern. Please let there be a pattern. PLEASE LET THERE BE A PATTERN!

  17. Most excellent, Molli! I somehow missed that bit about them being sent penis supplies – how hilarious! Thank you for supporting their right to be dicks with your own useful quilty statement : )

  18. SW says:

    My husband is among the law enforcement working at that “event” in Oregon, so let me just say THANK YOU! I hate to think you’re wasting this on them, but on the other hand I’d love to see the face of whoever opens it. 😉

  19. strongstitches says:

    This made me laugh! I have to tell you that my son started the online company DicksByMail.com last year as a joke and was more than a little surprised when it went viral and he woke up one morning with a couple of thousand orders to fill. He sold the company less than a month after he started it but it was a pleasure to see that the company is still going and that the Oregon militia group were recipients of the gummy candy dicks with the directions to “Eat a bag of dicks”! Makes a mother proud! 😳

  20. Doreen Haywood says:

    This quilt made my day. We are stuck inside due to a snow storm and when I saw this posting I couldn’t stop laughing. Please let there be a pattern.

  21. Mandy says:

    You slay me! I hope you do make a pattern, so we can all gift the dicks in our lives. I can see it as a bachelorette party present as well.

  22. Brenda says:

    Frankly, I think you ought to make this into a greeting card with the message clearly spelled out inside the card. I can think of a lot of times I’d like to send them to people who aren’t worth spending the time or money to make a mini-quilt for.

  23. Brenda says:

    And maybe it should be an e-card also!!!

  24. feel the difference!! HAHAHAHAHA!! I will never read that the same way again.

  25. Stacey says:

    This made me laugh SO hard!!! The quilt and your narrative. Love it.

  26. Aileen says:

    Hahahaha you are wonderful. Yeah, it’s too good for those knuckleheads, but what a message!

  27. Allison says:

    Fan-bloody-tastic.

  28. Cathy Lindsay says:

    Hilarious! Something I did not know I needed as a thing, until there you go ,you did that. Brilliant!

  29. Kelsey says:

    Feel the difference (crying laughing)

  30. Awesome!! I needed a good laugh. Would love to see the reaction when the militia receives it.

  31. Sue says:

    It looks like an ice-cream. I could so lick it!

  32. Mary says:

    Molli you naughty boy 😉 very good😊

  33. LOL! Molli, you kill me! (In a good way.) Love it!

  34. Cass Cusack says:

    I would love a pattern Molli. And it’s awesome, I love the idea of a don’t be a dick quilt.

  35. Dawn Nelson says:

    As always when I read your blog posts I’m LMAO. I swear that if you ever decide to give up your day job you could do quite well as a stand up comedian. Have a great weekend!!

  36. Debbie Leschisin says:

    Molli, you are the best! I totally enjoy your political type of spin with quilting. You are right, many people are dicks, like that group in Oregon. You’ve got “balls” and I wish I had the “balls” to take on a topic like this. Plus, anatomically correct!

  37. Mo says:

    I have to clarify that those nut job militants are here in Oregon but they are not Oregonians! Your quilt is perfect and I love that you are sending it to them. Here is something you might enjoy- its been good for a laugh and to help pass the time waiting for someone to actually do something about these jerks.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/oregon-militia-erotic-fan-fiction-colin-meloy_us_568e9519e4b0c8beacf5f6c8

  38. you’re my new hero! throws glitter!

  39. Kristel says:

    So way back when, I think when you asked Mr Sparkles to marry you and at the same time were talking here about your dickhead Prime Minister (is he gone now? I feel like I read that, but in one ear, out the other…) I had thought to myself that what you really needed was somebody to make and send him a Don’t Be A Dick pillow with a nice big dick on it, but that was a thought that was in one ear and out the other, so to speak. Anyway, it’s awesome that you did that 😀

  40. Kristel says:

    (Also, I think someone should probably come up with a Don’t Be a Twat pattern as well, but that doesn’t seem quite as easy to render in fabric.)

  41. Lisa says:

    Add me to the pattern buyers list for this one!!!

  42. Jess says:

    Oh Molli- as I sit reading your blog with my G&t (ok well 5th, in hand), never participating, just watching from the sidelines… Owwwww!! I’ve heard of “eat a bag of ducks” (no pretext i mean DICKS, always have, always will), now we can go MAKE a bag of dicks! Well done champ. Many champagnes in salute to you for what you bring to the world. Love your work. Xx

  43. Stephie says:

    Is it my challenge to make one for the ladies?! Oooh, I know I could, I know I could! Right back acha!

  44. Cass Cusack says:

    Hi Molli, sorry to bother you, but the need for the Don’t be a dick quilt has become quite urgent. I want to send one to every dick in the Federal parliament that is smugly asserting that they will not support a plebiscite and will still vote against same sex marriage. We need to shame them. Looking forward to the pattern.

  45. Tara says:

    A hahahaha. Ahahah. Can’t stop laughing. Thank you for this

  46. Please please make a pattern please.

  47. Linda says:

    Just letting you know how thrilled this American quilter is to have access to this avenue of communication. I believe I will be sending one off. And since you are the expert: do men with small hands also have small dicks (can’t believe this 54 tr old woman is typing that). And if you have a small one I am assuming you can still act like a big one. Anyway I am off to find the White House’s address and pull some fabric.

  1. May 21, 2016

    […] realm of dickdom. Perhaps the only way to get through that thick skull of theirs is to wave a big, quilted dick at them? If you think that will work, well, then have I got the pattern for you! You can now […]

  2. January 8, 2017

    […] The quilt that launched a thousand dicks. It was this time last January when I first debuted my Don’t Be a Dick mini quilt amidst the tragedy that was the occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. That […]

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