I had to turn right.
Lovelies, let me set the scene for you. I’m sitting in Qantas airline seat 26D on my way from Melbourne to Brisbane drinking a red wine. There are so many things wrong with this.
Firstly, I’m in this bloody place called economy. The rotund, cheap-English-accented stewardess kept screaming “You’re economy, you’re economy!” as I tried to squeeze past her. “Economy? Exsqueeze me? Do you know who I am?” I’ve only ever turned left when boarding an aircraft! I didn’t even know the aircraft had rows to the right. Did you know this!? Did you? It must be one of the world’s best kept secrets. Obviously, I pissed off one of those unkept ground staff workers, and they have had the last laugh. You wait my pretties, you just wait. I know people.
So I get back to this magical land of economy and there are a bunch of people back here! Like, a lot! Did you know this many people fly on airplanes?! At once! I obviously was a little bit bewildered, I mean, the seats are made of this horrible poly-cotton blend that is wrecking my cashmere pashmina. I had to ask the man next to me (Honeys, if only you could see this man’s dull greige sweater that must be a Gap discount outlet reject, you. would. die.) if the plane would take off with this many people. He sort of stared at me with pursed eyebrows–um, hello, waxing for the needy–and I stared back, until he just grunted and said, “Yes.” Economy: I wouldn’t be friendly if I had to sit back here all the time either!
But dear Lord of the Lana del Rey, it gets worse! Finally, the drinks cart rolled around, and I asked for my typical flute of Bollinger. Do you know what that eighty-five year old, blonde-bobbed, fuchsia lipstick-wearing stewardess said to me? “That’s only served in our First Class Cabin, dolls, and I’m afraid you’re in economy.” That word again! Why am I not amongst my people!? She proceeded to place a plastic cup in front of me with a little mini bottle of red wine marked with a ridiculous cartoon label and “Vintage 2013.” Since when did 2013 become a vintage? The grapes haven’t even turned purple yet and your putting them in a plastic cup for me to drink? One whiff of that shit and I accidentally spilled it on that greige sweater-wearing man next to me. Seriously, I should win a Good Samaritan award for that selfless act alone.
Sigh. The rest of my flight I sat shuddering and rocking in my seat. That same elderly stewardess tried to console me with some nuts in a foil package, and I dispersed them to the rest of the needy passengers. (They looked famished!) When we finally landed, I walked straight up to that blonde fuchsia queen and said, “I don’t know what has happened here today, but you have opened my eyes to the plight of the common wo/man. And for that I must thank you.”
Of course none of that stuff I said to her was true. I’m choosing to pretend that whole economy thing (is it a thing? place? concept?) doesn’t exist–and all future flights I will ensure I am not only booked in First Class, but that any of my left over Bollinger* be shared amongst the the people who have to turn right.
Linking up with Lee at Freshly Pieced for WiP Wednesday!
And then I made some bee blocks.
*Like there would ever be left over Bollinger.